Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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