I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
