my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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