Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
