I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
