A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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