Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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