mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
