Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
