i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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