You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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