I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
