I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
