you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
