i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
