My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
