when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
