made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
