No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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