I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
