I accidentally had phone sex last night
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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