We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
