The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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