I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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