OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
