I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
