You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
