So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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