nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
