I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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