Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
