two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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