i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
