My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
