when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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