i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
