his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
