As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
