I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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