I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
