Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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