my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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