Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
