At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
