I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
