Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My vagina just clenched in fear
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
