I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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