3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
