finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
