I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My penis needs a shock collar
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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