Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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