He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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