ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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