Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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