Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
