I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My liver just had a heart attack.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
