the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sobbing to NWA
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
