They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
