FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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