No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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